The first week of my reign

The following is a slightly edited version of my side of a conversation I had the other night on facebook with a friend…

Life would be so much better if I was in charge of things in the world…

Day 1
Go on international television to tell the people who live in and around Jerusalem that they have 72 hours to kiss and make up. At the end of 72 hours if they are still fighting over that little piece of land, I’ll make it glow in the dark for the next ten thousand years, so at the very least there will be one less thing for religious zealots to fight over…

Day 2
Waterboard anybody who says that water boarding is not torture (starting with Dick Cheney). If they are right and it really is not torture then I’ve done nothing wrong. If they are wrong and it IS torture then hopefully I’ve taught them a lesson…

Day 3
Fire everybody who got a million dollar or more bonus from a company that got federal bailout money…

Day 4
Any teabagger who complains about taxes and does not know that Obama lowered taxes for 95% of Americans will be deported to Mexico. And all Mexicans who want to move to the US are welcome, provided they build a wall on the border to keep the teabaggers out who were just deported.
To me, this seems somehow poetic.

Day 5
Ask a Canadian to explain curling to me. I’ve seen it, I just don’t understand how it is considered a sport. It seem to just be ice bowling with a flat ball, and brooms. What the fuck! that’s not a sport; it’s a drunk dare…

Day 6
Anybody who was not already sent to Mexico and is against gay marriage gets one chance to explain how two people getting married affects them. If they fail to give a reasonable argument, they will be sent to live in Antarctica.

Day 7
Rest. If it was good enough for the christian/jewish god, then it should be good enough for me.

Now if this sounds like a good start to a new scienceocracy, please do what you can to help in my ongoing quest to take over the world.

About Rodibidably

Jeff Randall is a frequent volunteer for free-thought organizations, including the Center For Inquiry – DC. Having been blogging since January 2008, he decided that a community of bloggers would be an interesting new experience (or at the very least a fun way to annoy his friends into reading his posts more frequently). Since finding out about about the existence of, and then joining, the atheist/skeptic community in 2007 he has been committed to community activism, critical thinking in all aspects of life, science, reason, and a fostering a secular society.
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6 Responses to The first week of my reign

  1. poietes says:

    Number four is my favorite. And you are right: It is poetic. Love them.

    • Jeff Randall says:

      I think this is a good beginning for the platform that I’ll run on… It’s possible I may be alienating some people, but I don’t think I would have gotten their vote anyways, once they learned I’m a godless heathen…

  2. poietes says:

    Yep, that whole godless heathen thing might lost you some votes.

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